I want to talk about something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm sure most of you know, we found out that our little rainbow baby, who will be joining us in July, is a boy. This little buddy of mine will be our fourth boy. If you were to see my family today I'd watch you count heads and come up one short. Nearly 3 years ago I delivered my little Banks, sleeping. He hadn't made it passed 23 weeks and we found out at 26 weeks that he was gone. My body went into labor naturally (the only time it's done that so far) and I delivered him barely half an hour after making it to labor and delivery that night.
Up until my 20 week ultrasound I was so sure this baby was a girl. It was a completely different pregnancy than all the others (this is my 6th one.) I was sick for longer, so fatigued, craved water and salad (I don't even want those when I'm not pregnant) and the kicker for me was my aversion to Dr. Pepper - which is my go to drink. I found out that during the first half of my pregnancy with this little one, that he did not like any dark colored sodas and I was left with Fresca and Sprite to quench my carbonation thirst.
So while I was laying there, watching the tech do her ultrasound screen, no one was as surprised as Danny and I to see that little penis sticking out between the legs. In fact, we knew before the tech asked us if we wanted to find out the gender; boy.
I have wanted a girl since we first started trying to have kids - and that's not to say I'd trade my boys for girls, I love them so much! But I just wish I had a little girl to put bows on and dress up in my old dresses that my mom had saved for me. In fact, I was secretly bummed during Jones and Banks' ultrasound when they told me they were boys. (Fields I was just happy there was a baby in there!) So this time around, I waited for myself to feel disappointed, but it never came. As we got into the car, Danny laughed and said, "four boys!"
It wasn't until we started telling people that I really started to get excited. Saying "four boys!" felt like such an accomplishment, I felt like such a tough mom, but most importantly, It brought Banks back into the conversation. Saying I have four boys helps keep the memory of my angel baby alive, and I love it. With all my projects going on at home, one of my favorite things to do is go to Home Depot, load up the cart with boys and lumber and build things. I like to go to the checkout stand that has the old ladies. They will, without fail, ask me how I'm doing, what I'm building, and my favorite question; what am I having. To which I respond, "this is my fourth boy." Every single time, they all cheer me on, tell me how many kids they had, tell me I better go get another plank or two for when they break whatever I'm working on, and tell me I'm super woman. Usually it's at the exact time that I need to hear it as I'm trying to maneuver 4 pieces of 10' MDF on a cart, while little man is kicking away like crazy, and the other two maniacs are trying to see if they can sneak on and off the cart without me noticing.
This little boy to be born has already brought so much joy and love to our family, and now, he's helping bring his big brother back into the conversation. Because, while I have never forgotten Banks, I'm sure he's slipped people's minds before - not to mention all the people we have met after we lost him. I'm sure people don't know how to act or know whether to bring him up or not. Coming from my experience of losing a child, I will forever hold a special place in my heart for people who include him in our count, mention him by name, basically show me that he was real and that they remember him. Because he is real, I do have a son named Banks, he just lives in Heaven. I will take every opportunity and chance I get to tell people just how many kids I have, and I'm so happy for Robbins boy #4.