Three. You should have turned three this week little bird. I once read somewhere about trying to describe grief; think of it as a box with a moving ball inside. Every time the ball hits the side of the box grief strikes. At first the ball is huge and can't move without hitting one wall with every bit of motion. As time passes the ball starts to shrink. Soon the ball can go longer periods of time without hitting a wall, but it is still moving, and it still hits a wall, and you still feel that grief. Though time continues, and the ball gets smaller, it never disappears completely. There are still moments when I'm completely fine and then minutes later I am not. And that's ok. This is part of who I am now. I see Jones and Fields grow and I can't help but wonder who you would be. Would you like the same things as your brothers? Would you be cautious and deep feeling as Jones, or daring and observant like Fields? What would your personality look like, meshed with theirs?
This year for your birthday I invited family over to your gravesite for cupcakes. This is the first year you actually get to celebrate your birthday with your stone marker in it's permanent place. Dad picked out the cake and frosting (fun fetti and rainbow chip) and we got a sparkler topper to use as your candle. I don't know how it happens, but every year on your birthday it rains. This year I had your dad, brothers and I duck out early after church and head up to spend some family time alone with you. It was right before the storm hit, so very windy, but no rain! We took some pictures and the boys brought some of their toys to play with you. It was nice and intimate and just what I needed. I've learned that I need this alone time with you and our little family apart from the party. It's quiet, and our own.
Later that evening we came back with cupcakes and cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. We sang happy birthday, lit the sparkler (good thing it was a sparkler because the wind was insane!) and ate cupcakes. As the storm started, Jones said a family prayer and blessed that we could be a family forever. As soon as he was done it started dumping and we all got soaked racing back to the cars. I'll never stop missing you and wishing I could know you on Earth. The best thing I can do is talk about you and keep your memory alive. I'm pregnant with your youngest brother right now, and I couldn't be happier that he's a boy. Because of him I get to say that he's my fourth boy. It's easy, rolls off the tongue, and lets the world know you exist. Happy birthday sweetheart. Hope you enjoyed your party in Heaven.